Self acceptance – learning to accept yourself!

Self acceptance – learning to accept yourself!

Be Successful – Making A Personal Change – Part 7 Learning to Accept Yourself

Self acceptance – learning to accept yourself! You can find the earlier posts in this series at the links below. In the last few posts I’ve asked you to start thinking about emotions. I’ve explained how identifying your troublesome emotion helps you gain control and make sure things turn out more positively for you in the future. As well as that, I asked you to think about what is most difficult for you, then I asked you to set some goals.

In the last post we thought about challenging and beginning to change those core beliefs we all carry. They get in the way when we want to make a personal change that will improve our lives. Now we are going to think about developing self acceptance.

Everyone who has ever lived has had problems.  Having problems doesn’t make you a better or worse human being – nor does it make you different.  In fact it makes you truly a human being – someone who makes mistakes and sometimes suffers misfortune. You are not what you do or what happens to you.  You are you, and one of us, the vast human race.  But it is great that you want to change or improve something about yourself!

If you accept yourself with what you see as flaws, it means you can concentrate on problem solving.  If you can’t accept yourself you can very easily be distracted by shame and the time you spend putting yourself down.

There is a great way of illustrating self acceptance.  It is called the big i/little i diagram ( Lazarus 1977)

If you look closely you will that this Big I (the self) is made up of lots of little Is. The little I’s are all the things about you; “I’m tall”, “I’m short”,” I’m fat”, “I’m thin”, “I’m good at sports”,” I’m hopeless at maths” etc.  Or they might be things that you have done; “I failed my exam”, “I hurt someone I loved”, “I give to charity”, etc.  Anyone of them may be true.  But none of them makes up the whole, wonderful complexity of you, yourself.

Now, if you can’t accept yourself, you might find this idea difficult to accept as well. But think about it.  And think about what I said in the last post about how to test self beliefs.  Think of all the evidence there is that you are complex with many aspects and experiences.  Then think about how you see other people in their complexity.  Now, think about which is the more helpful way to think about your self.

So suppose you see the things that you need to change as little Is, that you can work on.  They are not the whole big I that is going to do the work. Start to recognise yourself as complex and multi dimensional.

You could draw a large I diagram and then start to put into it all the little Is about you.  The good and the bad – make sure you are even-handed.  Now, circle some of those good Is and really concentrate on them.  Then, think about the things you want to change and let that complex, wonderful Big I you, start to make plans.

Remember, self acceptance doesn’t mean you become complacent and stop trying to make changes.  Self acceptance changes how you see the changes you want to make.  It helps to makes those changes manageable and achievable.  It means you do not waste precious time on putting your self down and feeling bad.

Self acceptance doesn’t happen over night it takes work.  It takes a little time every day thinking about the Big I and focusing on your goals to make the change you want. Work on it because the benefits of self acceptance, in terms of happiness, mental health and achievement, are huge.

The next post in this series will about strengthening and re-enforcing your new self-helping outlook.

You can learn how to develop self-esteem and to develop self acceptance and I would like to help you.  Email me now to arrange a free half-hour taster coaching session by Skype.

Wendy Smith, Career, life and Business Coach
Wendy Smith, Principal Coach, WiseWolf Life and Career Coaching

Wendy Smith is a career consultant, life coach and business coach with depth of experience in organisational development, management, coaching and personal development. That experience means she is equally at home helping clients find a new career direction, starting-up new businesses or dealing with life’s more challenging personal issues. You can contact her at wendy@wisewolfcoaching.com

Wendy has written a little eBook on how to get on with your boss and a book on job search – you can find all her books on Amazon at this link

         

 

Be Successful – Making A Personal Change – Part 7 Learning To Accept Yourself

Be Successful – Making A Personal Change – Part 7 Learning to Accept Yourself

You can find the earlier posts in this series at the links below. In the last few posts I’ve asked you to start thinking about emotions. I’ve explained how identifying your troublesome emotion helps you gain control and make sure things turn out more positively for you in the future. As well as that, I asked you to think about what is most difficult for you, then I asked you to set some goals.

In the last post we thought about challenging and beginning to change those core beliefs we all carry. They get in the way when we want to make a personal change that will improve our lives. Now we are going to think about developing self acceptance.

Everyone who has ever lived has had problems.  Having problems doesn’t make you a better or worse human being – nor does it make you different.  In fact it makes you truly a human being – someone who makes mistakes and sometimes suffers misfortune. You are not what you do or what happens to you.  You are you, and one of us, the vast human race.  But it is great that you want to change or improve something about yourself!

If you accept yourself with what you see as flaws, it means you can concentrate on problem solving.  If you can’t accept yourself you can very easily be distracted by shame and the time you spend putting yourself down.

There is a great way of illustrating self acceptance.  It is called the big i/little i diagram ( Lazarus 1977)

If you look closely you will that this Big I (the self) is made up of lots of little Is. The little I’s are all the things about you; “I’m tall”, “I’m short”,” I’m fat”, “I’m thin”, “I’m good at sports”,” I’m hopeless at maths” etc.  Or they might be things that you have done; “I failed my exam”, “I hurt someone I loved”, “I give to charity”, etc.  Anyone of them may be true.  But none of them makes up the whole, wonderful complexity of you, yourself.

Now, if you can’t accept yourself, you might find this idea difficult to accept as well. But think about it.  And think about what I said in the last post about how to test self beliefs.  Think of all the evidence there is that you are complex with many aspects and experiences.  Then think about how you see other people in their complexity.  Now, think about which is the more helpful way to think about your self.

So suppose you see the things that you need to change as little Is, that you can work on.  They are not the whole big I that is going to do the work. Start to recognise yourself as complex and multi dimensional.

You could draw a large I diagram and then start to put into it all the little Is about you.  The good and the bad – make sure you are even-handed.  Now, circle some of those good Is and really concentrate on them.  Then, think about the things you want to change and let that complex, wonderful Big I you, start to make plans.

Remember, self acceptance doesn’t mean you become complacent and stop trying to make changes.  Self acceptance changes how you see the changes you want to make.  It helps to makes those changes manageable and achievable.  It means you do not waste precious time on putting your self down and feeling bad.

Self acceptance doesn’t happen over night it takes work.  It takes a little time every day thinking about the Big I and focusing on your goals to make the change you want. Work on it because the benefits of self acceptance, in terms of happiness, mental health and achievement, are huge.

The next post in this series will about strengthening and re-enforcing your new self-helping outlook.

I know you can learn how to develop self-esteem and to develop self acceptance and I would like to help you.  Email me now to arrange a free half-hour taster coaching session by Skype.

Wendy Mason is a career coach working mainly with professional women who want to make that jump to senior level while having a life outside work. Before working as a coach, Wendy had a long career in both the public and private sectors in general management and consultancy as well as spells in HR. She now divides her time between face to face coaching, and coaching and blogging on-line. You can contact Wendy at wendymason@wisewolfcoaching.com and find out more athttp://wisewolfcoaching.com

Coming shortly – Getting There With WiseWolf, the Career and Personal Development Programme – if you would like to know more emailwendymason@wisewolfcoaching.com

Earlier Posts in this series

    • Be Successful – Making A Personal Change – Part 1 Admit A Change is Needed

    • Be Successful – Making A Personal Change – Part 2 Be Clear About The Change You Want

    • Be Successful – Making A Personal Change – Part 3 Be Clear About What Is Troubling You

    • Be Successful – Making A Personal Change – Part 4 Identify what is most difficult for you

    • Be Successful – Making A Personal Change – Part 5 Select Your Goals for Change
    • Be Successful -Making A Personal Change – Part 6 Change Your Core Beliefs

TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR YOUR DECEMBER LIFE STOCKTAKE?

Last year I suggested we should take regular stock of our lives, just as we go to see the dentist for a regular check up! We all know we should do it!  But many of us don’t!   Most of us would gain from a simple check up once a year!  December is a superb time to take stock both on a professional and a personal level.  We can then begin to  think through our plans for next year and how we are going to make it brilliant! So come with me –  get your pad and pen and follow this link to my guidance on making a start.

 

On dressing, distressing and the dangers of group think!

I watched the Weakest Link last night.  Anne Robinson was clearly in good form!  I missed most of the opening round but I did see the first departure and that made me wonder.  Dave was voted off mainly, apparently,  for his rather flamboyant shirt and the distraction it caused for others.  He hadn’t got any of the questions wrong.  For me his response to going was confusing!   He had a fairly fixed smile on his face as he commented that no one would be surprised as he was expected to have ago at things and fail.

For me this raises a number of challenging issues:

  • Dressing for the programme/part/job really does make a difference! For this group, certainly how you dressed mattered.  When faced with making a choice, even when all other things were equal, the shirt was the deciding factor.
  • Believing you are going to fail usually means you do! If you don’t see yourself as a success, and don’t have the confidence that flows from that vision, then you begin to behave as if failure has already happened.  The energy level drops  and, guess what, down you fall from your tightrope!
  • Standing out from the crowd is risky!  Choosing to stand out from the crowd is always brave but to some degree it is usually required for real success.  It is risky! You put yourself apart from the group and that can mean they turn on you!  If you are already reconciled to failure this can be very risky indeed!  It is very easy to slip into the role of victim and that can lead to bullying – see the point below!
  • Group think can be damage. I doubt these nice middle class contestants would have commented so publicly on someone’s dress, in a group with different values.  In a group it is very easy for us to take on group values and sometimes even slip into the habit of criticising to the point of bullying and destroying someone else’s confidence.   Do the groups you belong to reflect your own values? As a manager – what steps do you take to monitor the values of the groups you lead and how do you intervene to protect potential victims?

I would be very interested in your views on the issues raised here.  Have you been in a group that regarded you as ‘different’?  What happened and how did you handle it?  Have you found yourself managing a group that developed values different from those you would of chosen? What did you do?

5 Essential Zen Habits for Balanced Living | Zen Habits

Today the world constantly tries to throw you out of balance and sometimes no matter what you do you still feel like your life is going in the wrong direction (I know I feel this way sometimes.) Balanced living might seem like one of those theoretical terms that nobody can put into practice but in fact there is nothing simpler than living a balanced life.  Read more at  zenhabits.net

Wendy's Wisewolf Tips – are you feeling down about your present job?

On your next three working days, each day,  write down three positive things about you present role. Write down what it is, why it is and who else contributes to the positive feeling. On Day Four, review you notes! Do you still agree – make any additions or amendments.  On Day Five decide on you options and the advantage and disadvantage of each

Options

1. Staying put and making no changes

2. Staying put and making changes – what changes would they be?

3. Moving on – now, in the immediate future or in the more distant future – think realistically about the present work climate!

Action

Having decided take action

  1. If you are staying put and making no changes – remind yourself every day of your positives
  2. If you are making changes - make a plan and use your thoughts on the positive in discussion with your boss etc
  3. If you are moving on make your plan for finding a new role but use your positive thoughts to help you make the most of your remaining time where you are now and get a super reference!

Bet by the end of Day Five you feel a whole lot better!

BUILDING SELF ESTEEM IN YOUR TEAM – BE GENEROUS

Remember - building self esteem is about valuing and feeling valued! Why don’t you
be generous and start a value chain – your team will reward you for your
endeavor!

Be generous with encouragement

It may sound trite, but if a member of your team does a good job, let them know
you have noticed. You know what looks like good and when you see it say so! Let
the team know what you have seen and that your recognize a job well done and
value it!

If a someone makes a mistake but they are doing their best, let them know that it's okay. and back them
up. They already feel bad about letting you and the team down and what
more can you expect than their best effort? It's fine to give them pointers on
what they can do better next time to help succeed, but don't berate them just
because they fail occasionally – value them.

On the other hand, if they are not giving it their best, point that out, and let them know that you expect more - and that they should, too. Your team members will respect you for this,
especially if you apply this standard to the whole team (star players should
never be exempt). Make sure each link in the chain knows they are a
diamond!

Be generous with rewards
We all love to get rewards. Think about what might be the right
kind of rewards for your team – might not just be money? May be it's
a meal out occasionally or going to a sporting event! What about shopping
vouchers or tickets for a show? What do they really enjoy? So long
as you have set some clear standards – give rewards when these are exceeded.   
Don’t underestimate even the power of a certificate or plaque for
“Team Member of the Month” ! A simple award ceremony over
coffee and a recounting of the achievement can make the whole team feel good.

Be generous with your social time
Sure, you've spent hours at work this week but the work is over and you
are ready for some relaxation time. Maybe one Friday a month you
could spend the evening together with a quiz night or even just bowling. 
Make sure you spend some time with each member of the team getting to know them
away from work. Let them know they matter to you as people.