Energy Drainers

Energy Drainers

Making a change – those who drain your energy

Energy drainers – if you are involved with any kind of change you will find it drains your energy. Energy will drain as you come to terms with new situations. energy drainersand deal with confusion. You will have to deal as well with anxiety – your own, and other people’s.  You will find yourself giving out lots of your energy in support of others.  But some people seem to take just a little too much – more than you can afford to give if you are going to stay fit for the task ahead.

We all feel insecure in the middle of change but energy drainers are usually people who are insecure and negative in their everyday life. Quite often they find it difficult to tolerate their own company. You may find people like this start to depend upon you to help them make all kinds of relatively simple life decisions.  They may phone or text you several times a day on any pretext – they can eat you as well as your time and sap your life force!

Energy drainers don’t know how to tap into their personal energy reserves to survive

Very often these sad people are stuck in “Survival Mode.”  They don’t know how to tap into their personal energy reserves to survive. Like children, they haven’t accepted responsibility for their own lives. But they find many ways, including emotional blackmail,  to persuade you to give them the emotional support  and the reassurance they need.  Life is frightening and they are very scared indeed!

We all know people like this. They might be old friends, family or work colleagues. You want to help but their needs are overwhelming.

So, what do you do?

Keep in mind that you may need to conserve your energy to manage a complex change.  If they are part of the change, you are certainly not going to be in a position to cut them out of your life.  Anyway, at the end of the day, most of us would actually like to be in a place to help.

The stance you take depends upon your relationship with the person and the level of your energy reserves. However, your first responsibility is to yourself. You, too, may have to adopt a “Survival Mode” attitude.

It is certainly much easier to deal with someone who is an acquaintance or a work colleague. You have no personal commitment to them and you have every right to say goodbye when you finish work.

Dealing with energy drainers

Always try to stay in a neutral space when talking to them.  Give neutral responses and try not to get drawn into their, or your, emotions.  When you deal with them, imagine you are wearing a breastplate to defend your energy – withhold your energy behind your breastplate. Deliver a neutral, and deliberately, low energy response. Offer no more and no less than is necessary to carry out the transaction.

As a personal survival technique, this approach is also applicable for family and old friends. However, you may choose to take a more compassionate and supportive stance by demonstrating “tough love.” Your goal here is to move them on from negative to positive. You want to move them back into using their own energy resources. In this way, you can help them to become self-sufficient.  Get them to think through their own options – to make choices and plan.  When they do so give them lots of quiet praise – move them on from whining to thinking about concrete ways they can help themselves!

Dealing with emotional blackmail

Be aware, though, that energy drainers will resort to many forms of subtle emotional blackmail to get access to your energy. Don’t let them! Let them know, through your actions, that your energy is no longer accessible to them. Encourage them to make decisions on their own and to enjoy their own company by simply not being available: physically or emotionally.

It will not be easy for you or them. You are breaking established patterns of behaviour and setting a new precedent. But eventually a new dynamic should be established. They should begin to take responsibility for their own life and their own decisions.

You may have to support them through a change as part of your role but do so in a managed way! With friends and family, if they will not take action, success will be impossible. So recognise when you have banged your head once too often against that proverbial brick. It may be the wisest step is simply to “let go.”

If you need help dealing with your energy drainer, please get in touch

Wendy Smith, Career, life and Business Coach
Wendy Smith, Principal Coach, WiseWolf Life and Career Coaching

Wendy Smith is a career consultant, life coach and business coach with depth of experience in organisational development, management, coaching and personal development. That experience means she is equally at home helping clients find a new career direction, starting-up new businesses or dealing with life’s more challenging personal issues. You can contact her at wendy@wisewolfcoaching.com

Wendy has written a little eBook on how to get on with your boss and a book on job search – you can find all her books on Amazon at this link

         

 

Know Yourself!

Know Yourself!

Managing People – Know Yourself!

Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom. Aristotle

Know yourself

Know yourself – I’ve been writing a lot recently about the personal development mindset.  A key part of the mindset is self-belief.  But before you can believe in yourself, you need to understand yourself; particularly your strengths, your weaknesses and your personality.  This is particularly important if you want to be successful at managing others!

Know yourself if you want to manage others successfully. I have important news for you – there are no perfect managers.  Managers have strengths and all of them have weaknesses too.  You are no different to the rest.  There will be things that you are good at and there will be other things that you might prefer not to talk about, or even to admit to yourself.  And every one of us has our own quirks of personality.  Believe me, you need to understand yours!  If you want to succeed as a manager, you need to be honest and, not least, with yourself.

Being a good manager doesn’t mean you need to be perfect or to know everything.  But, you do need to be good at covering the gaps; that only works if you know where the gaps are.  Then you have options.

When you know yourself you can:

  • Put together a team that includes people who are what you are not and can do what you cannot. Sometimes this can be a challenge – often our first instinct is to recruit people just like us! If you are putting together a team for an important, business critical, task,  you need to have all the bases covered,
  • Outsource/buy in the ability you need, when you need it, for example, HR advice when faced with a large-scale organizational change.
  • Adapt the task so that it uses the skills and experience you have available. This may be negotiable more often than you think.  But without an honest appraisal of your own strengths and the strengths of the team, that would not be possible.

If you would like to understand yourself better then “Personality: What makes you the way you are” by Daniel Nettle comes well recommended.  Also, there are lots of free personality tests on line – HumanMetrics provides one of the more widely used ones.

Wendy Mason is the Happiness Coach and author of a new novel, The Wolf Project Wendy is a life and career coach and writer. She is passionate about helping people find happiness at work and at home! She helps people reach their goals and aspirations, without sacrificing their home and personal life.  She believes coaching requires compassion, warmth and empathy. Wendy helps people reach their career goals and aspirations, without sacrificing their home and personal life. You can contact Wendy at wendymason@wisewolfcoaching.com and find out more at http://wisewolfcoaching.com

Managing People – Know Yourself!

Managing People – Know Yourself!

Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom. Aristotle

N-Plants

I’ve been writing a lot recently about the personal development mindset.  A key part of the mindset is self-belief.  But before you can believe in yourself, you need to understand yourself; particularly your strengths, your weaknesses and your personality.  This is particularly important if you want to be successful at managing others!

I have important news for you – there are no perfect managers.  Managers have strengths and all of them have weaknesses too.  You are no different to the rest.  There will be things that you are good at and there will be other things that you might prefer not to talk about, or even to admit to yourself.  And every one of us has our own quirks of personality.  Believe me, you need to understand yours!  If you want to succeed as a manager, you need to be honest and, not least, with yourself.

Being a good manager doesn’t mean you need to be perfect or to know everything.  But, you do need to be good at covering the gaps; that only works if you know where the gaps are.  Then you have options.

You can:

  • Put together a team that includes people who are what you are not and can do what you cannot. Sometimes this can be a challenge – often our first instinct is to recruit people just like us! If you are putting together a team for an important, business critical, task,  you need to have all the bases covered,
  • Outsource/buy in the ability you need, when you need it, for example, HR advice when faced with a large-scale organizational change.
  • Adapt the task so that it uses the skills and experience you have available. This may be negotiable more often than you think.  But without an honest appraisal of your own strengths and the strengths of the team, that would not be possible.

If you would like to understand yourself better then “Personality: What makes you the way you are” by Daniel Nettle comes well recommended.  Also, there are lots of free personality tests on line – HumanMetrics provides one of the more widely used ones.

Wendy Mason is the Happiness Coach and author of a new novel, The Wolf Project Wendy is a life and career coach and writer. She is passionate about helping people find happiness at work and at home! She helps people reach their goals and aspirations, without sacrificing their home and personal life.  She believes coaching requires compassion, warmth and empathy. Wendy helps people reach their career goals and aspirations, without sacrificing their home and personal life. You can contact Wendy at wendymason@wisewolfcoaching.com and find out more at http://wisewolfcoaching.com

LEADERSHIP – KNOW YOURSELF

According to “The 80 Minute MBA” successful leaders know who they are!  They understand their strengths but are humble enough and, dare I say it, confident enough to admit their own weaknesses.  Understanding what they lack, they can then go on to select a rounded group of individuals who can work together in a strong team. According to researchers Robert Hogan, Gordon Curphy and Joyce Hogan, a realistic assessment of personal performance marks out leadership potential.  Leaders whose self appraisal matched the assessment made by those working for them were the ones most likely to succeed.  But finding out that assessment requires strength in personal relationships within a team that  can be hard to achieve.    So, of course, successful leaders are usually those with strong social skills as well – they can communicate and be communicated with.

The chances are that if you are humble and confident enough, and have the social skills necessary, to deal with asking others to give you an honest view of your performance, you will have done so long before you reach the top slot.  It is a very good habit to cultivate as you develop your career.  Make sure you take on a range of views and be prepared to listen to some difficult messages and to adjust.  But don’t make changes based on just one view.  If you hear something challenging from one direction, test it out in another.  Bear in mind that each person you ask will have their own perspective e g your family members will probably see you differently from your boss.  But there will be some recurrent themes and these are things to take on board and work with.  Beware of asking a one dimensional questions – don’t just ask what you are poor at!  Try to get a balanced view!  Ask the people who like you but be brave enough to ask those who may have reservations – they might be biased but they will give you a new perspective.

This is probably not a task best tackled when you are feeling down or have just had some other confidence-challenging knock back.  Go for it when things are going reasonably well and you were just about to become complacent.  Dealing with the answers could just give that incentive to raise your game again and  give you the edge.  And remember you are not meant to be perfect or to have all the answers.  Building a winning team is about recognising your own gaps!

MANAGING CHANGE – WHAT TO DO ABOUT ENERGY DRAINERS

If you are involved with any kind of change you will find it drains your energy as you come to terms with new situations, deal with confusion and your own, and other people’s, anxieties.  You will find yourself giving out lots of your energy in support of others.  But some people seem to take just a little too much – more than you can afford to give if you are going to stay fit for the task ahead.

We all feel insecure in the middle of change but energy drainers are usually people who are insecure and negative in their everyday life – quite often they find it difficult to tolerate their own company. You may find people like this start to depend upon you to help them make all kinds of relatively simple life decisions.  They may phone or text you several times a day on any pretext – they can eat you as well as your time and sap your life force!

Very often these sad people are stuck in “Survival Mode.”  They don’t know how to tap into their personal energy reserves to survive and like children, they haven’t accepted responsibility for their own lives. But they find a variety of ways, including emotional blackmail,  to persuade you to provide them with the emotional support  and the reassurance they need.  Life is frightening and they are very scared indeed!

We all know people like this – they can be old friends, family and work colleagues.  You want to help but their needs are overwhelming.

So, what do you do?  Keep in mind that you may need to conserve your energy to manage a complex change.   If they are part of the change, you are certainly not going to be in a position to cut them out of your ife.  Anyway, at the end of the day, most of us would actually like to be in a position to help.

The stance you take depends upon what your relationship with the person is, and upon the level of your energy reserves. However, your first responsibility is to yourself. You, too, may have to adopt a “Survival Mode” attitude.

It is certainly much easier to deal with someone who is an acquaintance or a work colleague. You have no personal commitment to them and you have every right to say goodbye when you finish work.

When you are dealing with them try to stay in a neutral space – give neutral responses and try not to get drawn into their or your emotions.  When you dealing with them, imagine you are wearing a breastplate to defend your energy – withhold your energy behind your breastplate – deliver a neutral, and deliberately, low energy response. Offer no more and no less than is necessary to accomplish the transaction.

As a personal survival technique, this approach is also applicable for family and old friends. However, you may choose to take a more compassionate and supportive stance,- demonstrate your love but it may be “tough love.” Your goal here is to move them from negative to positive and to move them back into using their own energy resources. In this way, you can help them to become self-sufficient.  Get them to think through their own options – to make choices and plan.  When they do so give them lots of quiet praise – move them on from whining to thinking about concrete ways they can help themselves!

Be aware, though, that Energy Drainers will resort to many forms of subtle emotional blackmail to get access to your energy. Don’t let them! Let them know, through your actions, that your energy is no longer accessible to them. Encourage them to make decisions on their own and to enjoy their own company by simply not being available: physically or emotionally.

It will not be easy for you or them.  You are breaking established patterns of behavior and setting a brand new precedent. But eventually a new dynamic should be established.  They should take responsibility for their own life and their own decisions.  You may have to support them through a change as part of your role but do so in a managed way! With friends and family, if they will not take action, success will be impossible. So recognize when you have banged your head once too often against that proverbial brick wall and when the wisest step is simply to “let go.”

WHY CHANGE HURTS!

“Change hurts. It makes people insecure, confused, and angry. People want things to be the same as they’ve always been, because that makes life easier. But, if you’re a leader, you can’t let your people hang on to the past.”  Richard Marcinko

“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” George Bernard Shaw quotes

An article in Strategy + Business from Booz Allen & Hamilton, The Neuroscience of Leadership, way back in 2006 , described how change hurts and how people respond to that hurt. Generally people respond to change with resistance even when it is a matter of personal survival,  This is because the brain works by relegating routine tasks to a part of the brain that requires little energy – freeing up the more energy-intensive part to process new things.   Dealing with new things can be a  very intensive and tiring experience. The same is true with organizational change. People become used to a routine at work and fall into using the equivalent of auto-pilot.  When you introduce change you engage the more intense part of the brain

But that is not all – there is another force at work in the brain that resists change. The brain is very much wired to detect “errors” in its environment – perceived differences between expectations and what it is actually finding. When it thinks an error has detected, it triggers the fright and flight mechanism.  This is one of the most primitive parts of the brain and was used to protect us in earlier stages in our development..  This fires up our reactions – the heart begins to pump blood ready for us to run away!   It hijacks our thinking.  We can become emotional and start acting impulsively – our protective animal instinct takes over.

So when you ask people to engage in change – their brain will start sending powerful warning signals  that something is going wrong.  They may well become uncomfortable and feel stress.  But if you can get them to focus on something – a particular problem or process – they will be distracted and start to develop new neural connections.  If these are reinforced enough they will become part of their subconscious.  If you can get them engaged in actively imagining the change – the fright effect will soften as the other parts of the brain take over.   But  If you start forcing actions on them without engagement you will increase the negative reaction.

So what is the best way to approach change.  Well the same study found that if the brain has a “moment of insight” coming from within (coming to a solution/conclusion by itself),  there may be sudden adrenaline-like burst of high energy. This is conducive to creating new links in the brain. So if you focus people on solutions instead of problems, they will have their own in-sights, come to their own conclusions and forge their own new links.

All this is useful but at the  end of the day, as a change manager, the choice is yours!   Do you want to engage with fright, flight, resistance and negativity?   Wouldn’t you rather share the task, go for active engagement and make the change a more positive experience for all!

MANAGING CHANGE – USING PERSONALITY THEORIES, TYPES AND TESTS

Article from businessballs.com

personality types, behavioural styles theories, personality and testing systems – for self-awareness, self-development, motivation, management, and recruitment

Motivation, management, communications, relationships – focused on yourself or others – are a lot more effective when you understand yourself, and the people you seek to motivate or manage or develop or help.

Understanding personality is also the key to unlocking elusive human qualities, for example leadership, charisma, and empathy, whether your purpose is self-development, helping others, or any other field relating to people and how we behave.

The personality theories that underpin personality tests and personality quizzes are surprisingly easy to understand at a basic level. This section seeks to explain many of these personality theories and ideas. This knowledge helps to develop self-awareness and also to help others to achieve greater self-awareness and development too.

Developing understanding of personality typology, personality traits, thinking styles and learning styles theories is also a very useful way to improve your knowledge of motivation and behaviour of self and others, in the workplace and beyond.

Understanding personality types is helpful for appreciating that while people are different, everyone has a value, and special strengths and qualities, and that everyone should be treated with care and respect. The relevance of love and spirituality – especially at work – is easier to see and explain when we understand that differences in people are usually personality-based. People very rarely set out to cause upset – they just behave differently because they are different.

Personality theory and tests are useful also for management, recruitment, selection, training and teaching, on which point see also the learning styles theories on other pages such as Kolb’s learning styles, Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences, and the VAK learning styles model.

Completing personality tests with no knowledge of the supporting theories can be a frustrating and misleading experience – especially if the results from personality testing are not properly explained, or worse still not given at all to the person being tested. Hopefully the explanations and theories below will help dispel much of the mistique surrounding modern personality testing.

There are many different personality and motivational models and theories, and each one offers a different perspective.

If you find these materials helpful please try to contribute something to the self-publishing Space, for example details of another personality model or psychology theory. Here are details about the Space on Businessballs and the philosophy behind it.

The more models you understand, the better your appreciation of motivation and behaviour.

personality models linked to this page

The Four Temperaments/Four Humours

Carl Jung’s Psychological Types

Myers Briggs® personality types theory (MBTI® model)

Keirsey’s personality types theory (Temperament Sorter model)

Hans Eysenck’s personality types theory

Katherine Benziger’s Brain Type theory

William Moulton Marston’s DISC personality theory (Inscape, Thomas Int., etc)

Belbin Team Roles and personality types theory

The ‘Big Five’ Factors personality model

FIRO-B® Personality Assessment model

The Birkman Method®

Other personality theories and psychometrics tests models

For more on this visit the businessballs.com website at this link

.

© alan chapman, review, explanation, code 2005-2009; other trademarks and concepts and material as shown. Please retain this notice on all copies.

Personality Theories and Tests

Article from businessballs.com

Personality theories; Perosnality types, behavioural styles theories, personality and testing systems – for self-awareness, self-development, motivation, management, and recruitment

Personality Theories!  Motivation, management, communications, relationships – focused on yourself or others – are a lot more effective when you understand yourself, and the people you seek to motivate or manage or develop or help.

Understanding personality is also the key to unlocking elusive human qualities, for example leadership, charisma, and empathy, whether your purpose is self-development, helping others, or any other field relating to people and how we behave.

The personality theories that underpin personality tests and personality quizzes are surprisingly easy to understand at a basic level. This section seeks to explain many of these personality theories and ideas. This knowledge helps to develop self-awareness and also to help others to achieve greater self-awareness and development too.

Developing understanding of personality typology, personality traits, thinking styles and learning styles theories is also a very useful way to improve your knowledge of motivation and behaviour of self and others, in the workplace and beyond.

Understanding personality types is helpful for appreciating that while people are different, everyone has a value, and special strengths and qualities, and that everyone should be treated with care and respect. The relevance of love and spirituality – especially at work – is easier to see and explain when we understand that differences in people are usually personality-based. People very rarely set out to cause upset – they just behave differently because they are different.

Personality theory and tests are useful also for management, recruitment, selection, training and teaching, on which point see also the learning styles theories on other pages such as Kolb’s learning styles, Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences, and the VAK learning styles model.

Completing personality tests with no knowledge of the supporting theories can be a frustrating and misleading experience – especially if the results from personality testing are not properly explained, or worse still not given at all to the person being tested. Hopefully the explanations and theories below will help dispel much of the mistique surrounding modern personality testing.

There are many different personality and motivational models and theories, and each one offers a different perspective.

If you find these materials helpful please try to contribute something to the self-publishing Space, for example details of another personality model or psychology theory. Here are details about the Space on Businessballs and the philosophy behind it.

The more models you understand, the better your appreciation of motivation and behaviour.

personality models linked to this page

The Four Temperaments/Four Humours

Carl Jung’s Psychological Types

Myers Briggs® personality types theory (MBTI® model)

Keirsey’s personality types theory (Temperament Sorter model)

Hans Eysenck’s personality types theory

Katherine Benziger’s Brain Type theory

William Moulton Marston’s DISC personality theory (Inscape, Thomas Int., etc)

Belbin Team Roles and personality types theory

The ‘Big Five’ Factors personality model

FIRO-B® Personality Assessment model

The Birkman Method®

Other personality theories and psychometrics tests models

For more on this visit the businessballs.com website at this link

.

© alan chapman, review, explanation, code 2005-2009; other trademarks and concepts and material as shown. Please retain this notice on all copies.